Baby-Eating Atheists
Sunday, December 28th, 2008Other than my love of transexual midget clowns, my strangest interest is my compulsion to eat odd, disgusting, or nearly inedible food. My love affair with strange foods began when I was young. My brother had offered me some crazy mexican lollipop covered with chili powder and said he would give me a dollar if I ate the whole thing. Perhaps because I did not understand inflation or the declining value of the U.S. dollar, I agreed and put the thing into my mouth, and the taste cannot adequately be described with normal, everyday descriptions. The best approximation of the taste is to simply say that eating this lollipop was like gurgling demon feces. Nevertheless, I finished it and felt a morbid pride in doing so, and thereafter I was determined to eat as many weird foods as possible, so long as they were not Mexican lollipops covered in chili powder.
Naturally, I mentioned this to my atheist friend Ziztur (who blogs at Atheism Is Freedom), specifically alluding to the fact that I’d like to eat balut, which is basically a hard-boiled fertilized duck egg. That is, it comes with a free prize inside the egg—a little duck fetus. Because this was a prize greater than anything I’d ever seen in my boxes of cereal, I had to try it, and I had to write an angry letter to General Mills for not including duck fetus prizes in their fine breakfast cereals.
Somehow, she managed to find a place that sold balut eggs in St. Louis. And then I was finally given the opportunity of a lifetime. Not only did I get to eat a weird food, but I also got to finally become a baby-eating atheist, which is the only real kind of atheist.
Ziztur has detailed the baby-eating in her own blog, complete with pictures. (I am the wild-haired guy pictured making out with his fetus.) Some have criticized me for playing with my food, but I can only object by saying this is the normal manner in which I eat food. I make out with pretty much anything I eat, including hamburgers, soups, and rice. I am also the sort to put orange slices in my mouth to create a fake orange smile and to eat things that have been on the floor for days. This is because I possess no moral table manners compass owing to my abandonment of God, and subsequently I do things like eat babies, put my elbows on the table while I’m eating babies, and refuse to use the proper fork for my embryos. Who knew God had ordained various forks for various different courses and purposes? Did I accidentally use the fetus fork for my embryo? I suppose this is why atheists prefer unnatural sporks, which according to James Dobson’s group “Focus on the Utensils” are an abomination because eating utensils have traditionally been defined as a fork and a spoon and any unnatural union of these two causes the disintegration of society into an amoral, primordial soup out of which life can never arise because evolution is a lie made-up by Satan.
At any rate, I ate balut, and it was not as glorious as I had hoped. When I was initially asked how the balut tasted, I replied that it was decent, but not something I’d order in a restaurant. By the time I finished my second balut, however, my opinion had soured. While the balut was not quite on par with demon feces, it could certainly compete in terms of unpleasantness with the sour taste of Satan’s armpit. I definitely do not want to eat these again. In order to maintain my future membership in the atheist union, I’ll forego my dues of eating the babies and instead choose the easier route of having homosexual sex with the devil while drinking blood. At least that is somewhat enjoyable.
The next food I’d like to defile in my mouth is some sort of worm. It’s been a while since I’ve had a decent worm.






