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|Baby-Eating Atheists
Other than my love of transexual midget clowns, my strangest interest is my compulsion to eat odd, disgusting, or nearly inedible food. My love affair with strange foods began when I was young. My brother had offered me some crazy mexican lollipop covered with chili powder and said he would give me a dollar if I ate the whole thing. Perhaps because I did not understand inflation or the declining value of the U.S. dollar, I agreed and put the thing into my mouth, and the taste cannot adequately be described with normal, everyday descriptions. The best approximation of the taste is to simply say that eating this lollipop was like gurgling demon feces. Nevertheless, I finished it and felt a morbid pride in doing so, and thereafter I was determined to eat as many weird foods as possible, so long as they were not Mexican lollipops covered in chili powder.
Naturally, I mentioned this to my atheist friend Ziztur (who blogs at Atheism Is Freedom), specifically alluding to the fact that I’d like to eat balut, which is basically a hard-boiled fertilized duck egg. That is, it comes with a free prize inside the egg—a little duck fetus. Because this was a prize greater than anything I’d ever seen in my boxes of cereal, I had to try it, and I had to write an angry letter to General Mills for not including duck fetus prizes in their fine breakfast cereals.
Somehow, she managed to find a place that sold balut eggs in St. Louis. And then I was finally given the opportunity of a lifetime. Not only did I get to eat a weird food, but I also got to finally become a baby-eating atheist, which is the only real kind of atheist.
Ziztur has detailed the baby-eating in her own blog, complete with pictures. (I am the wild-haired guy pictured making out with his fetus.) Some have criticized me for playing with my food, but I can only object by saying this is the normal manner in which I eat food. I make out with pretty much anything I eat, including hamburgers, soups, and rice. I am also the sort to put orange slices in my mouth to create a fake orange smile and to eat things that have been on the floor for days. This is because I possess no moral table manners compass owing to my abandonment of God, and subsequently I do things like eat babies, put my elbows on the table while I’m eating babies, and refuse to use the proper fork for my embryos. Who knew God had ordained various forks for various different courses and purposes? Did I accidentally use the fetus fork for my embryo? I suppose this is why atheists prefer unnatural sporks, which according to James Dobson’s group “Focus on the Utensils” are an abomination because eating utensils have traditionally been defined as a fork and a spoon and any unnatural union of these two causes the disintegration of society into an amoral, primordial soup out of which life can never arise because evolution is a lie made-up by Satan.
At any rate, I ate balut, and it was not as glorious as I had hoped. When I was initially asked how the balut tasted, I replied that it was decent, but not something I’d order in a restaurant. By the time I finished my second balut, however, my opinion had soured. While the balut was not quite on par with demon feces, it could certainly compete in terms of unpleasantness with the sour taste of Satan’s armpit. I definitely do not want to eat these again. In order to maintain my future membership in the atheist union, I’ll forego my dues of eating the babies and instead choose the easier route of having homosexual sex with the devil while drinking blood. At least that is somewhat enjoyable.
The next food I’d like to defile in my mouth is some sort of worm. It’s been a while since I’ve had a decent worm.
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December 28th, 2008 at 10:12 PM
dear sir, may I recommend the sites thailandunique.com and edible.com
December 29th, 2008 at 12:31 PM
http://www.weirdmeat.com/2007/01/lizard-soup.html
Well, you may have a hard time finding that in St. Louis. Since my family is from there (I go back atleast once a year), I’ve got some favorites I would love for you to try.
1)Bun Bo Hue at Pho Grand down on South Grand. Its a hot and spicy soup made with pigs feet.
2) Kopperman’s Specialty Foods and Delicatessen serves the best tongue sandwich. (My Jewish family actually eats this stuff just because they like it)
3) Schottzie’s Bar and Grill, a bar in South County. The pizza is good, but you need to go there for the Brain Sandwich. Don’t worry, its pork so you don’t have to worry about mad cow disease. Deep fried pork brain between a couple of slices of rye, who could ask for more.
4) If you want to explore the rich culture of bug eating but can’t afford the plane ticket to Asia, the Butterfly House serves a crunchy treat. The chocolate covered ones are pretty good but I dare you to go with the sour cream and onion cricket box.
There is your challange sir. I throw down the gaunlet.
Oh and did you know you’ve been referenced.
http://www.stlbites.com/
December 29th, 2008 at 12:58 PM
Oh, I will see to it that we find worms. Oh yes.
I was thinking I’d really like to eat some insects. Preferably baby or fetal insects.
December 29th, 2008 at 6:43 PM
Those are some good, challenging recommendations, HanaLena. I’ve been wanting to try tongue, so I might have to give that tongue sandwich a go. I’ve heard bad things about how brains taste, though, so that might have to be last on my list!
December 29th, 2008 at 6:44 PM
Well of course we’d have to eat larvae, and not adult insects! We’re atheists!
December 30th, 2008 at 1:16 PM
Duck testicles. That’s a highlight of strange eating.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:20 PM
Tongue isn’t actually that bad. Especially if they slice it thin enough. Kopperman’s does a combo sandwich; tongue, pastrami and corned beef with mustard. The ultimate in classic American Jew food. And if you ask nicely, the staff might actually bring out a whole tongue for you to stare at while you are eating.
The brain sandwich on the other hand is just wierd. It’s like deep-fried mush. The texture only made me choke on it. I was so creeped out by the fact it was brain, that they could have served me boiled carpet and I wouldn’t have noticed a difference.
The Butterfly House does have larvae for you. Once again, really weird texture. Kind of like popping a zit into your mouth. A really huge zit.
I’m assuming you already done a solid sushi run. Unagi, salmon roe and the likes?
Have fun SG. I can’t wait to hear what you think of eating brains.
December 30th, 2008 at 1:56 PM
I LOVE both unagi and salmon roe - I love the way salmon roe pops in my mouth. Oh, it’s so good.
January 24th, 2009 at 8:47 AM
Haha, this is great. Also, I work in research with chicken eggs. We have these things called embryo spoons to get the embryos out of the eggs, so your comment about embryo forks particularly amused me. I’ll make sure to give you one
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:55 PM
It saddens me that you dont require god in your life. To enjoy, and awaken your taste buds with our worlds exoctic cuisnies.
Have fun in hell. . However, the point of your blog was to exercise your self proclaimed weirdness to your readers. . . . Try zebra vaginas; from my understanding it taste much like chicken.
May 22nd, 2009 at 8:02 PM
Balut? They sell that on my street everyday. Sometimes I wake up to the street vendors’ insistence that people buy it. Then again, I don’t live in America.
Try scorpion intestines with squid ink. Looks disgusting, and probably tastes disgusting, too.
Hm. Yours is one of the few entertaining blogs that used the word ’spork’ and didn’t cause me to cringe; my friends, in an attempt to reduce my aversion to the word, renamed the utensil ‘foon’.
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