When I was younger, I used to abhor Valentine’s day, seeing it as little more than the idealization of my romantic hopelessness. Those Valentine’s days that were not spent in some depressed stupor, agonizing over some unrequited love, were instead spent relentlessly masturbating, my own tears serving as the lubrication. It was my most despised holiday, a time for ruminating in sullen angst, puffy-faced and alone.
But with age comes wisdom and experience, and now Valentine’s day represents something completely different. And while it is often accompanied with the same relentless masturbation, it is no longer an empty, quasi-depressive sort of relentless masturbation, but an unrelenting masturbation of joyous celebration. Now that I have experienced Valentine’s day with a date, along with its attendant responsibilities, I realize how foolish of me it was to disparage the holiday and resent being alone. This year, the obligatory fancy dinner, the half-hearted and uncomprehending attempts at romance, and the agony over the choice of gift were absent. I was not forced into some desperate pretense, to say suave and romantic things that are as natural for me as crapping out of my mouth, because I was alone. I did not have to endlessly search the malls for a gift, staring wide-eyed and afraid at the foreign and alien displays and trinkets, ultimately purchasing some overpriced perfume. No, this year I could masturbate—relentlessly—in peace. And for that I am glad.
6 comments
S
16 February, 2009 at 5:55 AM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Those also aren’t the only two options as far as I know. I mostly ignore the holiday, with or without a partner, but even acknowledging it doesn’t need to be painful, as long as you’re not with someone who subscribes to the same sort of social constructs that make the holiday so unpleasant to begin with.
HanaLena
17 February, 2009 at 4:34 PM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I stayed in PJs all day, drank and hosted a horror movie fest for friends. Bleeding heart bundt cakes and bloody margaritas!
SG-Watch Deer Woman. Best Movie Ever!!!!!!!!!
Friar_Zero
17 February, 2009 at 5:18 PM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
You sir, are a poet.
Saint Gasoline
17 February, 2009 at 5:26 PM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Thank you for the generous compliment, Friar Zero. My “poetry” has often been compared to the works of Shakesepeare, Robert Frost, and Sir Mix-A-Lot. Fine company, if I must say!
Cha
18 February, 2009 at 7:31 AM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I can’t stop grinning or laughing whenever I read through your stuff…not to mention your Personality Defect Test. I am The Brute, which is closer to the truth than any other test I’ve come across. Loving it.
fontana
26 March, 2009 at 11:32 AM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
so do you have successful first dates after all… with yourself