The Easter Bunny has finally hopped out of town and Easter is over; I can finally relax my tense, rigid muscles and sleep a full eight hours.  The Easter Bunny, you see, is the most terrifying creature in the universe.  The thing shits chocolate eggs, for christ’s sake, and then entices children into eating them.  But we overlook this disgusting fact because of the Easter Bunny’s cute veneer and outward appearance.  What harm could a fluffy little rabbit cause?  Put that aside, however, and imagine not some beautiful rabbit laying eggs in your garden, but instead a grizzled 45-year-old man, popping a squat in your yard in random places, depositing oval chocolate globs that are somehow prewrapped in places your children will surely look, and then going on and on about Jesus and his sacrifice.  As you can see, the change in appearance from rabbit to man provokes a completely different response, as a man who behaves in the same way as the dreaded Easter Bunny would be locked in the nearest psych ward and given massive quantities of prescription drugs.  We shouldn’t let the seductive rabbit appearance fool us into complacent acceptance of this beast’s vile nature.

At any rate, it isn’t just the Easter Bunny that is a disgusting, foul creature.  Rabbits in general are filthy beasts.  Evolution has been so cruel to these animals that it has haphazardly thrown together a digestive system that would only make sense to a complete idiot.  Basically, rabbits are forced to digest their food not once, but twice.  This means that rabbits must eat their food once, wait for it to come out as little pellets, and then eat those pellets.  It almost literally eats its own shit.  This knowledge really makes you reconsider eating round-shaped objects that emerge from a rabbit’s ass, whether they are chocolate or come with a creamy center or not.

What egg-shitting rabbits have to do with Jesus is a bit of a stretch.  Apparently the Christians of yore didn’t have any fun parties, so they simply stole various pagan festivities and co-opted them for their own purposes, combining the traditional guilt of Christianity with the joyous celebration of paganism in some sort of hodge-podge construction almost as poorly conceived as the rabbit’s digestive system.  Easter was once a fertility festival.  It makes sense, then, that the rabbit would be its symbol, as they are reknowned for their prolific breeding, a fact that further sours my opinion of the rabbit, as it is simply not fair that an animal that eats what emerges from its butt can constantly get laid when I can barely convince my left hand to touch me in my naughty place.

Thankfully, of course, Easter is over, and now there aren’t any more holidays to fear for a long, long time.  But I’ll gladly take the razor-blade laden apples of Halloween over the chocolate feces of rabbits, any day!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 14th, 2009 at 12:27 AM and is filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.