Everyone knows the stereotype of the village atheist; he’s the loud, brash, vocal iconoclast that derides the religious and probably rapes puppies. Nowadays, the equivalents to the village atheist are popular authors and bloggers like Jerry Coyne, PZ Myers, and Richard Dawkins. Of course, these atheists aren’t exactly violent extremists, at least not compared with extremism as it applies to religious fundamentalism. A religious fundamentalist will picket a funeral while shouting about how God hates fags and fag-enablers. A religious fundamentalist will shoot an abortion doctor or fly a plane into a building. Modern atheists, of course, simply lack etiquette—they don’t even rape any puppies, believe it or not, as usually the puppies happily consent to sex with beautiful men such as Richard Dawkins.

Consider, for instance, a recent blog post by Chris Mooney titled “Civility and the New Atheists.” In the post, he argues that atheists should not criticize religious moderates, proclaiming that such criticism is impolite. To make his case, he paraphrases Barbara Forrest, who offers this sage advice for would-be vocal atheists:

1. Etiquette. Or as Forrest put it, “be nice.” Religion is a very private matter, and given that liberal religionists support church-state separation, we really have no business questioning their personal way of making meaning of the world. After all, they are not trying to force it on anybody else.

2. Diversity. There are so many religions out there, and so much variation even within particular sects or faiths. So why would we want to criticize liberal Christians, who have not sacrificed scientific accuracy, who are pro-evolution, when there are so many fundamentalists out there attacking science and trying to translate their beliefs into public policy?

3. Humility. Science can’t prove a negative: Saying there is no God is saying more than we can ever really know empirically, or based on data and evidence. So why drive a wedge between religious and non-religious defenders of evolution when it is not even possible to definitively prove the former wrong about metaphysics?

Of course, reading this laughable tripe has made me realize something. In a way, Mooney and Forrest are correct to note that atheists have a poor strategy. But this does not mean atheists should refrain from criticizing religious moderates. On the contrary, I propose that atheists should adopt the strategy of the religious.

What would this entail? Basically, atheists would have to pretend to be overly sensitive and demand the silencing of any criticism of atheism, direct or indirect, as a result of our deep, personal, emotional attachments to our godlessness. Religious people should be told to respect our atheism by removing all religious imagery everywhere, ceasing to pray within earshot, and never, ever, mentioning God or anything supernatural. With this strategy, atheists—like religious moderates—could subsequently win all future arguments without silly and difficult forays into debate, discussion, and analysis; instead, atheists would only need point out that the other side is being blisteringly impolite by saying anything contrary to atheism. Game, set, match!

Naturally, religious moderates are routinely given this sort of respect merely because they are whiny pissants who can’t stand criticism. But now it is the atheists’ turn to be whiny pissants who can’t stand criticism! An atheist is seen as “impolite” for publicly stating that God does not exist. In a similar manner, we atheists must constantly remind religious people how “impolite” it is to bless us after we sneeze, how vile and offensive it is to wear a cross around one’s neck, and how utterly insensitive it is to sensationalize religious holidays. By adopting this strategy, atheism can soon become an unassailable intellectual position. Any criticism of atheism can be shot down as the bigoted, insensitive, and impolite raving of some stark madman who refuses to respect our most cherished lack of belief. What’s even better is that overly sensitive, politically-correct atheists will have much more to complain about than the religious do today. While theists can only complain about a mere five or six well-known, outspoken atheists, we atheists could choose between such a wide assortment of well-known preachers and public theists that we’d literally be whining incessantly should we choose to address them all. During a typical Obama speech, for instance, I would have occasion, as a deeply sentimental and emotional atheist, to become deeply offended at his words a multitude of times as he inevitably mentions God, religion, and so on with the consistency of a decaying radioactive isotope. If we atheists simply adopted the strategy of whining that criticism of our position is impolite, we could literally characterize 90% of the world’s population as assholish, scum-sucking fuckbags within a few hours. And, as we all know, assholish, scum-sucking fuckbags who criticize deeply-held beliefs are never correct.

So believers, here are some tips on how to deal with these sensitive atheists of the future. All you religious people out there should take this advice to heart:

1. Etiquette. Be nice! Atheism is a very private matter, and given that atheists support many of the same things religious people do—like peace, democracy, puppies, riding bicycles, and ponies—religious liberals really have no business questioning our personal way of making meaning of the world. After all, atheists are not trying to force their disbelief on anybody else. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who questions an atheist’s “personal way of making meaning of the world” is thus a fucking asshole who deserves to be condemned and possibly shot. When you talk about God existing, or sing Christmas carols, or wear crosses, just consider how horrible this makes atheists feel. So respect their beliefs by shutting the fuck up or burning all your religious trinkets. This is the only way to appease us, as we are just so sensitive and frail, like trembling, atheistic baby birds. The mere mention of religion could cause us to choke on our own self-righteous vomit.

2. Diversity. There are so many atheists out there, and so much variation within particular philosophies and ethics. So why would liberal theists want to criticize atheists, who have not sacrificed scientific accuracy, who are pro-evolution, who are generally good people, when there are so many rapists, murderers, people who steal hamburgers, and annoying people who talk during movies? There is simply no reason to criticize atheists with all these other, much worse, people in the world! Obviously you cannot attack both at once! THIS IS NOT A FALSE DICHOTOMY AT ALL!

3. Humility. Religion can’t prove a negative: Saying there is a God is saying more than we can ever really know empirically, or based on data and evidence. So why drive a wedge between atheists and religious defenders of evolution when it is not even possible to definitively prove the former wrong about metaphysics? It is clear that religious moderates must be humble, then, and refrain from blessing atheists when they sneeze, or making snow angels in the snow, or crying out to Jesus while having sex, as all of these acts are deeply offensive to we atheists and make us cry and also make us jealous that Jesus is apparently so good in bed. You people won’t even shut up about God while having sex; at least we atheists have the decency to remain reticient about God’s nonexistence while fucking. (Only once have I corrected a partner who cried out to God during sex, softly murmuring, “Actually, God doesn’t exist, and the teleological, ontological, and cosmological arguments for his existence all fail,” only to find that during my speech the woman had left to pleasure herself with the detachable shower head instead.)

Now, these are the only three things we atheists ask. We want to be respected and treated like anyone else. And because any mention of God, Jesus, Islam, spirits, ghosts, religious holidays, churches, and so on all contradict our dearly-held atheistic beliefs, we ask that you all kindly refrain from doing so, in the interest of social etiquitte. It is the least you could do, seeing as how you demand the same from us.

So remember, atheists, act like whiny little dipshits from now on. You are to immediately take offense at any benign mention of religion or any remark that may fly in the face of naturalistic philosophical principles. Threaten to boycott any movie with religious overtones because it has raped your emotional sensibilities. Refuse to vote for politicians who talk about religion on the basis that they have offended you. Incessantly whine about all the books arguing that God exists, that prayer works, and so on, because they are just so horribly rude to atheists. With this strategy, we, too, can shelter ourselves from criticism. We’ve tried to criticize the religious intellectually through debate and discussion and we have failed, because in doing so we are only characterized as assholish swine; apparently, criticism of religion is always rude and assholish, no matter the tone. Our only chance to counter such a strange reverence is to demand it of our own beliefs.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. We are atheist, hear us whine! STOP OFFENDING US! So long as all of our future criticisms of religion no longer focus on the intellectual or evidentiary deficiencies of religion, and we focus solely on characterizing any mention of theism as rude and insensitive, we will have the upper hand and can demand the unreasonable respect that our disbelief truly deserves.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 5th, 2009 at 9:27 PM and is filed under Atheism, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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