Owing to personal experience, the following data seemed highly counterintuitive, but apparently being an atheist will get you laid.  And not just by goats, but by women!  Women who are not goats!

Okay, I’m actually giving this data the headline writer treatment.  Without my overblown exagerrations, the blog entry actually says something slightly less exciting.  Basically, when someone on the dating website OKCupid uses the term atheist in a message, the other person is more likely to respond.  Much more likely.  The baseline response rate is about 30%, and using the word atheist increases the response rate to over 40%.  Hello, vagina-town!  Surprisingly, OKCupid did not note any effectiveness for the phrase “Saint Gasoline is amazingly endowed,” which is how I begin all my messages, as I speak in the third person and I’m a habitual liar.

The graphic below is telling.  It shows that atheists get to bang a lot more headboards than any other religious group.  Plus, unlike the religious, we also get the added bonus of being able to actually enjoy the sex without any attendant guilt!  And we also don’t have to time our sexual encounters with the rhythm method and continually measure our wife’s mucous levels to determine the proper time for coitus, although that certainly sounds quite, erm, arousing.  But behold, the chart:

The atheists are coming! The atheists are coming!

The data are so compelling that OKCupid themselves advocate conversion to atheism, or at least belief in lesser-known deities like Thor and Zeus, in the name of love:

Though very few people actually do it, invoking the sky-breaking thunderbolts of zeus does help a person get noticed (reply rate 56%), but maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise on a site that is itself named for a member of the Greek pantheon. So if you can’t bring yourself to deny the deity, consider opening yourself up to a whole wacky bunch of them. But ideally you should just disbelieve the whole thing. It can help your love life, and, besides, if there really was a god, wouldn’t first messages always get a reply?

Ah yes, it’s the problem of dating-evil argument for the nonexistence of God.  Let us define God as omnipotent and morally perfect. Now, it is morally preferable for God to let me get laid after mentioning him in random messages to Internet chicks.  However, I do not get laid by random Internet chicks when I mention God. If God cannot get me laid, he is either not omnipotent or not good.  Therefore, God does not exist. (It is amazing the sorts of things you can prove when you are lonely and desperate for human contact.  Please may I touch your vagina?)

Now, even though mentioning Zeus garners a 56% reply rate over the 42% reply rate for mentioning atheism, I foolishly refuse to believe in any of these lesser gods, preferring to disbelieve.  The only god I would ever consider believing in is the one that is an elephant with a bunch of extra arms and shit.

It is important to note, of course, that OKCupid probably does not adequately represent the general population.  I’ve found, after extensive study, that sending messages mentioning atheism on other dating web sites (Match, Chemistry, EHarmony, AdultFriendFinder, IWantToHaveSexWithGoats, etc.) does not lead to similar results.  After sending millions of desperate emails to women with nothing in common with me, I’ve found that mentioning atheism on these other sites causes the women to throw holy water on you, expecting you to melt.  And lest my highly scientific data be questioned, rest assured that I kept the usage of the word atheist constant throughout my messages, surrounding it with a variety of variable textual contexts, and I was rejected in all scenarios in which atheism was mentioned, whether I also mentioned that I never wear pants and make out with fainting goats or that I am an impeccably well-mannered human being who wants 2.5 kids, the .5 of a kid being used to feed the other two.  Atheism is, without a doubt, the cause of all the rejection letters and screams of horror.  Even mentioning the goat fetish in the absence of talk about atheism garners more responses.  At least among the goats.

What can we conclude?  Well, if you are an atheist, and you want to get laid hard—so hard—then be sure to join OKCupid.  The site is crawling with atheist men and women just waiting for your emails about atheism and zombie Jesus. (Both zombie and jesus also seem to increase reply rates, so why not combine them?)

From the OKCupid blog again:

Atheist actually showed up surprisingly often (342 times per 10,000 messages, second only to 552 mentions of christian and ahead of 278 for jewish and 142 for muslim).

As can be seen, the ladies on OKCupid are talking about atheists!  Of course, seeing as how I am a member, it is likely that at least 93.4% of these uses of the word atheist are attributable to me, as I routinely receive hundreds of messages per every 10,000 that talk about atheism, zombies, and the messenger’s burning desire to feel my meat inside her hoo-ha.  Why these ladies are so obsessed with my delicatessan meats, I’ll never understand, though my penis is surely jealous.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 at 12:25 AM and is filed under Atheism, Blog, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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