For years, homosexuals have been fighting desperately for positive social recognition and acceptance.  But lost in the midst of this gay activism, which is filled with men wearing evening gowns and singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” while holding a dog leash attached to a half-naked man clad in leather, are the bag boys.  Who will sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and hold creepy leashed leather dudes for the bag boys?  Apparently no one.

The bigotry and hatred of bag boys often goes unnoticed and under-reported.  As a result, the bag boys of the world suffer their lonely plights in silence, heads down, the tears streaming down their faces as they stand at the ends of conveyor belts at the checkout lanes all across America.

“We need some sort of recognition,” said Denny Murphy, a bag boy veteran of fifteen years.  “I’ll stand down here at the end of the checkout lane, practically screaming to these people, ‘DO YOU WANT PAPER OR PLASTIC?!’ and they can’t even be bothered to respond.  Sometimes they’ll look up from their purses or wallets, eyes wandering around in confusion, and ask the checkout clerk if they heard anything.  So then we just start putting things in plastic.  At this point, the customer always turns around, finally deigns to notice us, and tersely says, ‘Oh, don’t give me plastic!  Jesus.  Here, use these incredibly awkward burlap sacks, and put the burlap sacks inside of a double paper bag wrapped in seven plastic bags for sturdiness.’”  Denny sighs in exasperation.  “Like hobos and the homeless begging for change, no one will even look us in the eye.  But at least the hobos occasionally get money and respect.”

Most would probably say bag boys are simply ostracized, and nothing more.  But in reality, they suffer outright condemnation and violence led by several religious groups.  They are frequently oppressed worse than homosexuals, women, midgets, and homosexual midget women.

“Being a bag boy just isn’t natural,” said Ned Haggart, a pastor at the local mega-church in Bumfucksville, Arkansas.  “When you go into the wild, you don’t see the monkeys and the fruit bats and the manatees putting their groceries in bags.  Unless they are those trained monkeys that are in the circus—but they’ve just been corrupted by the evil bag boy liberal agenda.”

Increasingly, bag boys are being politically targeted by religious fundamentalists.  Many worker unions are attempting to prevent bag boys from recieving wages by preserving what they call “the traditional workforce.”  Jay Dobeson, president of the conservative organization Focus on the Workforce, had this to say:  “A job is defined as a union between an employer and and employee, not an employer and a bag boy.”  He says bag boy with such characteristic rage that his jowls quiver and shake.  “Jobs have been defined this way throughout history.  To just all of a sudden redefine what a job is to include bag boys would cause the destruction of our workforce and the moral fabric of our society.  Soon we’d be telling our children that it’s okay to bag other people’s groceries.  And then the proliferation of so many plastic bags would suffocate everyone.  These bag boy activist groups are just going too far.  They should just be content that we no longer stone them to death and move on.”

Meanwhile, outside a Walmart in Ames, Iowa, a sign-waving crowd has gathered to protest the recent passing of bag boy equality legislation, which allowed bag boys to receive wages for their work.  The legislation also allowed bag boys to marry other bag boys, a practice that had long been forbidden and punishable by death.  The signs at the protest rally vary in quality from poorly-spelled scrawls written on pieces of cardboard to embroidered banners—but the one thing they all have in common is their denouncing of the bag boy equality laws.  One sign says, “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Paper and Plastic and Steve!”  Other signs display only Bible verses that condemn bag boys as abominations.  At one point, the crowd starts chanting a Bible verse.  “Man shall not lay food in bags for other men!  Man shall not lay food in bags for other men!”  Apparently they haven’t quite mastered the art of chanting short, pithy rhymes with a decent ryhthm, but they’re trying—in their own confused way.

Of course, though the religious influences on the condemnation of bag boys is quite overt in this crowd of protestors, some in attendance, including key conservative leaders and anti-bagging politicians, insist that the Bible has nothing to do with it.

“This isn’t about religion; this is about preserving the traditional definition of ‘workforce’,” said former senator and Presidential candidate Michael Beehucka.  “I have no problem with bag boys; I only have a problem with people who choose to put things in bags.”  I press him further to clarify his secular, nonreligious reasons for condemning bag boys.  “It’s really quite simple,” he says.  “Look, if everyone were a bag boy, the workforce would grind to a halt.  There would be no more engineers or scientists or politicians or pastors or pig breeders.  We’d all just bag things, and then there’d be nothing left to bag, except other bags!  So being a bag boy is self-defeating.  And it’s even worse if you let the bag boys marry other bag boys!  Two boys can’t have kids!  That means no more future!  The human race would end at the quick-reflexed bagging hands of the bag boys.”  He smiles and continues.  “Now, I’m no bigot.  Some of my best friends are bag boys.  And I think bag boys have a right to life and free speech.  But I also have a right to not look at them and not have them touch my cantaloupes and put them in bags.  And I have a right to not let them marry each other.  We live in a civil society and a democracy, and that is the only thing stopping us from ripping them apart and raping them, as this is what routinely happens to creatures in the wild who become bag boys.”  Some of the other protestors at the rally nod in agreement as he speaks.

Unfortunately for the bag boys, it seems that conservative groups are now focusing all of their efforts on bagging.  They’ve largely given up on homosexuality and lobster-eating and satanic messages in rock music and wearing mixed fabrics.  Much of this is because the homosexuals already have control of the media in the form of the Gay…ermm, Bravo…television network.  Shows such as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy are  accepted fixtures of American society.  George Hazard, prominent bag boy rights activist, finds this worrying.  “We’ve been trying to model our activism on that of the gay rights movement, which has made so much progress.  I’m even pitching ideas for several bag-boy-related reality TV shows—like ‘Two Girls, One Bag’, ‘Mother May I Sleep With Bagger–the Timmy McFaye Story’, and ‘CSI: Bagger’.  Unfortunately, the bag boy equality movement has made little headway in today’s culture.  Even bag ladies and douche bags have better reputations.  But at least we’re not as bad as the atheists.  Nobody likes those fuckers.”

Of course, only time will tell if things will change for bag boys in the future.  For now the future looks bleak, with what few victories the bag boys have garnered generating continual outrage and bad press.  Bag boy Douglas Grosse, in summary of the bag boy plight, said,  “Everyone thinks they can just ignore us because the word boy is part of our title and we tend to be young and pimply and are easily ignored fixtures at the ends of checkout lanes and we don’t even get to do anything cool like bat boys or ball boys—but we’re people, too, and one day the world will realize that.”  Is little Douglas Grosse correct?  Is bag boy equality really in the bag?  They can only hope.  But for now, they just keep on baggin’.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 at 1:41 AM and is filed under Blog, Humor, Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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