The Death, and Subsequent Resurrection, of the Atheists

Atheists, like captive pandas, are reknowned for having little interest in breeding.  (Also like pandas, atheists are universally rotund and enjoy sitting in one place for sixteen hours eating bamboo shoots.)  Now, this is not to say that atheists have no interest in having sex.  We are interested in sex in spades, possibly even in clubs, hearts, and diamonds, too—such is the great extent of our love for sex and our willingness to participate in it.  Atheists do not, however, want children.  They require too much time and effort to raise—time and effort that detracts from the time that could be spent having sex or eating bamboo shoots for sixteen hours.

As a result of our prolific indifference toward breeding, Ed West has proclaimed that “atheists are a dying breed.”

Essentially, his article argues that the number of atheists will dwindle because of atheists’ fondness for not having children.  Meanwhile, the religious crazies are breeding like, well, crazy.  The atheists thus stand no chance, and will soon be overrun by theists as their numbers continually decline.

It is telling, of course, that the author did not actually refer to data specifically detailing the increasing number of people identifying as nonreligious, atheist, or agnostic.  For whatever reason, he seems to think indirect data about the birth rates of various religious persuasions is more relevant, perhaps because the direct data actually detailing the growth of atheism directly contradicts him.  It is indeed useful to ignore better data when it conflicts with your thesis!  This is, after all, how I am still, after all these years, able to maintain that my genitalia is larger than a medium-sized dog. I just never look down, you see.

Of course, I can understand why Mr. West would think atheism is spread genetically, from parent to offspring.  After all, no atheist has ever come from a religious family.  Nor has a formerly religious person ever become an atheist.  In fact, the gene for atheism is right on the X chromosome, right next to the genes for becoming a professional wrestler, finding Jay Leno funny (a very rare allele), and enjoying sweater vests.

Actually, no.  It turns out atheism isn’t a gene.  It’s more of a meme, or an idea that can be spread through a population.  The author mentions Dawkins, so you’d think he’d have heard of this concept, as Dawkins invented the term. And the really great thing about memes is that they aren’t necessarily passed on by sticking your dick in a wet, damp hole and then producing insufferable offspring that continually make noises and expect to be fed.  They can be passed on through a more efficient, though certainly less pleasurable, manner than sex: by writing books, giving talks, and saturating a culture with your viewpoint.  Naturally, birth rates are not the only means of passing on memes. 

Now, according to the direct data I mentioned earlier—the data concerning changing trends in religious belief (and not the irrelevant and indirect data trends about birth rates)—the number of atheists is in fact increasing, at least in America.  Here are quotes from the 2008 Aris study, right from the second page:

The U. S. population continues to show signs of becoming less religious, with one out of every five Americans failing to indicate a religious identity in 2008. The “Nones” (no stated religious preference, atheist, or agnostic) continue to grow, though at a much slower pace than in the 1990s, from 8.2% in 1990, to 14.1% in 2001, to 15.0% in 2008.

But wait, don’t stop there!

Based on their stated beliefs rather than their religious identification in 2008, 70% of Americans believe in a personal God, roughly 12% of Americans are atheist (no God) or agnostic (unknowable or unsure), and another 12% are deistic (a higher power but no personal God).

What this means is that those who identify as nonreligious are increasing in numbers, and that the number of atheists is actually underreported, as more people are liable to answer that they disbelieve in God rather than identify as an atheist. The number of people identifying as atheist grew from about 500,000 in 1990 to about 1.6 million in 2008. Surprisingly, atheism is spreading even in spite of the fact that sterile, neutered pandas outbreed us. It’s almost as if atheism spreads in a manner that doesn’t involve sexual reproduction. Who would have thought that?!

So keep breeding, theists. And we’ll keep teaching your kids science and showing them the righteous light of atheism.

As an aside, Ed West also writes, “Personally I find the New Atheists’ anti-Christian aggression tedious: criticising people for their privately-held religious beliefs shows a lack of class and maturity…” and he is entirely correct. We must never criticize or argue against a privately held belief, or else we lack class and maturity. This is why I will expect Mr. West, who is so clearly a classy and mature kind of guy, to respect and refrain from arguing against my privately-held belief that he is a fucking tool.

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