Congress Endorses Shouted Accusations, Immediately Descends Into Chaos

In a fateful decision, Congress has decided that it is now formally acceptable to shout, “You lie!”, or any variant thereof, at any time on the Congressional floor.  After Representative Joe Wilson was rebuked this week for his outburst during President Obama’s speech, several members of Congress from both parties decided the action taken was too harsh and unnecessary.  As a result, Congress convened and elected to revoke any future rebukes, rejoinders, condemnations, or spankings, giving politicians the right to speak their minds at any time.  While this decision at first appeared as if it would have little effect on the daily affairs of congress, in practice the decision’s ramifications have been devastating.

It turns out that politicians lie.  A lot.  If you were to shout every time a politician lied, you’d never stop shouting.  As such, congressional sessions now sound like this:  “YOUUUUUU LIEEEEEE YOUUUULIIEEEE LIIEEYOUUUULIEEEELIIEEEYOUUUUULIIEEEE!!!”  Clearly, this is in stark contrast to how congressional sessions sounded in the past: “BLARRGGHHHHHHHH! LIPSTICK!”

“Obviously things—YOU LIE!—are a bit different now,” said Democratic Representative Dave Starky.  “Things are—oh, I lie?  No, YOU LIE!—a bit more hectic now.  Many have even taken to shouting ‘Fire!’ during crowded Congressional sessions—sometimes even in the absence of fire!”

Like blaring cicadas awakened from thirteen years of dormancy, Congress has been yelling obscenities and accusations for four straight days now, barely pausing to take a breath.  The noise is so bad that even the cicadas have been complaining.  “I’ve been stagnant for over a decade now,” said Chuck the cicada.  “So yeah, I wake up and I’m kind of grumpy, and I’m just trying to sing to some of the ladies.”  He shakes his head.  “But how am I supposed to sing to the ladies with all this racket?  Some of the lady cicadas are even going interspecies; I swear I saw one of my exgirlfriends fly into Joe Wilson’s mouth as he was emitting what appeared to be some sort of erotic insect cry.”  We here at Saintgasoline.com can neither confirm nor deny these rumors at this time, although it is true that at least one Representative has flown to Argentina with a certain winged companion.

Republican Senator Joy Turgasco, in between her angry shouting, spoke to us about the Congressional phenomenon.  “The word liar is being used so much that it has almost completely lost its meaning here,” she reported.  “You can see all these regression patterns and nested hierarchies of accusations of dishonesty.  Bob calls Joe a liar, Joe says that Bob is lying about his lying, and then Bob says Joe is lying about his lying about his lying.  After about seven of these regressions we don’t even know what the hell we’re saying anymore, really, but we do it anyway.  This is how we make progress in Congress.”

For a few hours following the acceptance of the new rule, however, Congress had become exceptionally quiet as a result of Democratic Senator James Barnes.  In the midst of all the accusations of lies and dishonesty, Barnes suddenly blurted out, “I’m lying right now!”  Everyone immediately stopped, looked around, and scratched their heads.  One Senator tentatively ventured, “You…lie?  Or not? Or both?”  James Barnes, a former philosophy professor, had foiled them with the liar’s paradox.

The silence, unfortunately, was short-lived.  After hours of deep reflection, another representative shouted out, “No paradoxical self-referential remarks are allowed!”  Barnes, who was quite familiar with the resolution Congress had reached on the matter, knew that no such rule had been established, and shouted out, “YOU LIE!”  He immediately followed this up with, “Whoops!”, but not before having his plaintive cry drowned out by a resuming torrent of obscure shouting and incessant wailing and gnashing of teeth.