Faith Insurance
September 23rd, 2009GuideOneInsurance is a special kind of niche-market insurance company. While some insurance companies cover acts of God; GuideOneInsurance covers godly acts. It offers “churchgoers” a special FaithGuard insurance plan that covers the following features:
- Anyone involved in an automobile accident while driving to or from church services doesn’t have to pay their deductible. [This concession makes no sense to me. If God strikes down the cars of those driving to a church service, then clearly they have chosen the wrong religion. I'd only waive the deductible for those who experience accidents while leaving church, as they've obviously chosen the correct religion if God is actively trying to prevent them from leaving.]
- Up to $750 of tithing or church donations are covered in the event that the churchgoer loses his income as a result of an automobile accident. Unlike the others, you can qualify for this one even if you weren’t injured while driving to church. [I mean, Jesus Christ, people. God wouldn't strike you down if you weren't so stingy and donated more money.]
- The medical limits are doubled if injured while driving to or from a worship activity. [As an atheist, even I support the spirit of this benefit, which encourages theists to be injured twice as much as atheists.]
- Automobile loan payments of up to $3000 will be paid if the insured loses his income, but only if you happen to be driving to or from a church activity. [If you were driving to donate blood or volunteer at a soup kitchen, fuck you. Your car isn't worth their money!]
- Memorial service donations of $1000 will be given as a gift in the event that the insured dies in an automobile accident. And you don’t even have to be driving to church to get this one! [Atheists, of course, will have to pay for their cremation themselves. In hell.]
It is clear that conservative voters have never heard of this plan. They’d no doubt have a riot over this insurance coverage, owing to their incessant fears of insurance policies that promote “death panels.” Here we have a plan that offers incentives for churchgoers to get into automobile accidents and die! They will literally pay you $1000 if you just drive off a cliff! These are the death panelists we’ve been hearing about all this time!
The insurance company also offered a similar FaithGuard plan for homeowner’s and renter’s insurance, probably giving monetary incentives to those who accidentally burned their house down while lighting their religious shrines or who flooded their basements after trying to do in-home baptisms. None of this should be surprising coming from an insurance company that focuses on niche markets, like churches, and whose tagline is “Place Your Faith in the Expert.” Although I think, “FaithGuard: So easy a primitive, Sun-god worshipping cave man can do it!” is a much better motto. But only if the mascot is a talking gecko of some sort, or possibly a snake.
Naturally, the FaithGuard policy is highly illegal and discriminatory. Thankfully, the company has recently settled a court case after being sued by nontheists, and the in-depth, legal details of the FaithGuard insurance plan are no longer accessible from their website, indicating its pending removal. Now people of faith everywhere will no longer feel so free to drive so recklessly, knowing God and illegal insurance policies are no longer protecting them.
Of course, the company claimed to welcome all applications, no matter the religious affiliation, sex, race, handicap, or familial status. Although I’m sure those who attend mosques or temples felt quite welcome by the website’s frequent use of “church” and “churchgoer” in discussing the FaithGuard policy. And I have to wonder whether they’d really donate $750 to a tithing Satanist’s place of worship, or if they’d instead send the claim to an adjustor to try to find any legal loophole with which to deny it.
Needless to say, I’m happy with my AtheistGuard insurance policy: Anyone in an accident while driving to or from a science- or education-related event gets a free lollipop!
Thanks to the affable Friendly Atheist for the story.
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September 24th, 2009 at 5:59 AM
So, you’re the creator of the idiotic Personality Defect Test. My teenage daughter, who’s been very depressed, happened to stumble upon it and the test’s results sent her into a crying fit.
You should have some responsibility for your actions and sensitivity towards other people’s feelings. You hurt my daughter, you pitiful wanna-be-funny, wanna-be-smart APE!
September 24th, 2009 at 6:14 AM
My daughter has a weight problem and in the Personality Defect Test results she got that she would enjoy watching fat people being thrown from a high building. Does it make you laugh? How could you write something so bloody stupid and insensitive?! And why “fat people”, are you prejudiced?
Just another question: Where is your brain located and how big is it?
September 24th, 2009 at 6:42 AM
Who cares about your religious or non religious beliefs. They make no difference in the world.
September 24th, 2009 at 2:07 PM
My test is quite up-front at the start that it will be insulting. If your daughter then continued to take the test knowing this, it’s her own fault.
September 24th, 2009 at 2:09 PM
Dear Me,
I will SG speak for himself in reply to your multiple posts. However, speaking for myself. I also came across SG’s blog from the Personality Defect Test and have been reading ever since.
1) There are VERY clear statements at the beginning of the test telling people what they are getting into. At no point are people tricked into being abused (in fact the abuse starts before the test). I mean really, it’s titled “The Personality DEFECT Test”. How much more obvious does it have to be?
2) I am very sorry that your daughter is depressed, especially if she is depressed enough to be sent into a crying fit over an internet quiz. I recommend therapy. From your angry outburst, I would look at therapy for more than just your daughter.Your daughter took an online test seeking to be abused. It’s a cry for help.
3) I have heard SG make statements about alot of people, usually to point out who stupid making those statements is. As a former bulimic I have never been personally offended or had my weight issues triggered by his words. The result you cite above is supposed to show (if I read it correctly) the cruelty for abusing fat people. It does not advocate this abuse. IF the quiz is a good inducator of someones mental state (and that is a big if) and your daughter is depressed, it would inducate self-loathing issues. SG doesn’t hate fat people. Your daughter hates herself for being fat and believes she deserves to be punished.
4) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LETTING YOUR UNDERAGE (assuming), DEPRESSED DAUGHTER HAVE AN OK CUPID ACCOUNT!?!?!?!?!!?!
Do you seriously not know what the internet is? OkCupid is a social networking/dating site. There are people on the other end of the world that have no obligation to care for your kid. Most of them have no evil intent but if your daughter is so fragile that one stupid internet quiz sent her over the edge, SHE SHOULD NOT BE ONLINE!!!!!!!!!!
Do you not read about the kids that kill themselves about online relationships? If she is that depressed, get her therapy! Internet “friends” are not actually your friend. Internet quizes are not a professional diagnosis of something. Last week a quiz on Facebook said I was a jellyfish. Seriously, a freaking jellyfish. If your daughter cannot easily seperate the internet form reality she needs help. Which mean you need to be her parent. Do your job as a parent, and don’t yell at strangers if you fail. SG didn’t birth your kid. She is not his responsibilty.
5) I hear SG’s opinions on faith, science, critical thinking and society. In fact, I wish he would post more often. That’s why I read his blog. That’s why all of us read his blog. If you don’t want to know what he thinks, you don’t have to be here.
September 24th, 2009 at 4:35 PM
Sorry for the multiple typos. I was annoyed.
Hopefully the point(s) still come across.
September 25th, 2009 at 3:14 AM
Okay, now I’m interested… Where is this test you guys keep talking about?
Epic rant, Miss Lu. I could not agree more.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:13 AM
Hey Magnus,
A while back I wrote this silly little Internet quiz for the dating site OKCupid. Through no fault of my own, people kept taking it, and miraculously it is now the top-ranking quiz on the site, in terms of total number of people who’ve taken the quiz.
It’s basically my attempt at a humorous parody of the Myers-Brigg Personality Test, which I’ve called The Personality Defect Test.
And now you know what that crazy person “me” is raving about.
September 25th, 2009 at 6:17 AM
Miss Lu, thanks for defending my honor! I agree with almost everything you said, except one thing:
The quiz you took on Facebook is actually correct; you’re a jellyfish. And, it turns out, I’m a starfish! Fuck yeah!
September 25th, 2009 at 5:15 PM
Ah, I miss that test. I think I’ma take it again.
Miss Lu: You are now my new god, up there right next to SG, Darwin, and JRR Tolkien.