Conquering the world is a difficult task, but it is a worthwhile goal for any aspiring evil genius. Now what is the most important part of conquering the world? Is it having really cool, high-ranking henchmen with weird physical deformities and absurd methods of attack involving thrown items of clothing? No. Is it devising elaborate, Rube Goldberg-type methods of killing potential heroes? No. The most important thing to have before setting out to conquer the world is lots and lots of underlings. You’ll need people to build your rockets, to transport your rockets, to clean your rockets, and to spell out the word “rocket” on the side of the rocket and maybe put some cool flame decals on it so everyone will know that it is, indeed, a rocket. But where do you find these underlings? How does one come across people so eager and willing to aid in the destruction of their very own planet? Well, it isn’t easy to find them, but it can be done.
First of all, you have the find the most gullible people in the world. This can be done in a variety of ways. Start conversations on various topics, like the following:
- The moon landing was a hoax.
- Evolution is a lie.
- Glenn Beck sure does make a lot of sense.
- Homeopathy totally cures cancer.
If you find anyone agreeing with you, this person is surely a gullible buffoon. Capture him in your net and take him to your secret headquarters. He may be suspicious at first, but you can put his mind at ease by throwing out phrases like “I am only kidnapping you to cure you of the quantum energy chi trapped in your DNA that can only be released through holistic, traditional Chinese medicinal practices involving watered down trace elements,” “I am removing you from society because it’s all a conspiracy theory to cover up huge governmental black flag operations that everyone is in on except you,” “I am taking you to a tea party protest to save you from the health care death panelists out to kill you with their fascist and socialist political ideologies,” or “Darwin said evolution was a lie on his deathbed, so I’m taking you to the great church of Jesus to build a rocket that will disprove evolution with Biblical science.”
Now normally you’d think you can stop here, knowing you have a tidy sum of idiots, but that is not the case. Some of these people will still not be stupid enough to be your minions. (Some, namely the Glenn Beck fans, may even be too stupid, forgetting such essentials as how to breathe or eat, rendering these minions useless for any task aside from sitting in a vegetative state in front of a TV blaring Fox News.) To ensure your minions will be stupid enough for your world-conquering tasks, you have to put them into an environment that rewards stupid behavior and winnows out those showing signs of intelligence. Call it survival of the idiots.
Finding the biggest idiots is relatively simple. After having starved the captives for a few days, put the starved gullible morons into a giant maze, with a big hunk of cheese at the end of the maze. Hidden inside the big hunk of cheese, place a giant, crazed robot with guns for arms that wields a chainsaw. Any candidates who reach the end of the maze should be eaten by the crazed robot for being intelligent enough to find the food. In this way, you’ve created a selection mechanism against any hint of intelligence. Those still stuck in the maze, endlessly pushing against the doors that say “pull” in search of the exit, are your new minions.
Don’t stop there, of course. Though there are a lot of stupid people in the world, there are likely not enough for a good-sized army of minions after you’ve winnowed out a good portion of the population with your stupidity-maze bottleneck effect. To increase their numbers, you need to breed them with each other. Then you should breed their children with each other, always keeping the relationships as incestuous as possible. The inbreeding of those who are already massively stupid will only encourage the proliferation of idiocy through the gene pool. (Empirical evidence supports this fact. See, for instance, Prince Charles, supporter of homeopathy and all things woo.) After a few generations of sexy incestuous mating, you’re ready to take over the world with your new horde of minions. Also, be sure to invent a cure for old age and death, so that you can live long enough to survive through several generations of idiot-breeding.
With your minions in tow, you must then build rockets, like any good evil genius. Give your minions simple instructions using single-syllable words and easy to understand verbs like “go,” “do,” and “woo”. Have them build, label, apply sweet flame decals to, and transport rockets. Threaten to shoot said rockets at various countries unless they provide you with large sums of money. Show the leaders of the world images of your hordes of minions, using photoshop to edit out their glazed over stares, homeopathic pill bottles, creation-science textbooks, and the pools of drool and saliva at their feet. As long as you are not a communist and encourage capitalism among your peoples, Western governments will work with you. It also helps to have large resources of oil. But never under any circumstances become communist or possess no oil when threatening Western countries with your rockets. Then they will just bomb the shit out of you and your puny rockets.
Congratulations! Now that your threats of violence with rockets and a large army of idiot minions have succeeded, you will become a sovereign nation. At this point, you can meet the President of the United States at the UN after giving a long, rambling speech filled with conspiracy theories about JFK and in which you call the President your “son.” But even after gaining legitimacy, never try to usurp the United States’ army. The United States is a whole country full of half-stupid creationist woo conspiracy theorist minions that has been breeding for over 200 years. You’re better off going up against France or Sweden.
11 comments
Magnus Bergmark
13 October, 2009 at 5:21 AM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Excellent! *rubs palms together*
Lizz
13 October, 2009 at 9:53 PM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Aren’t you just jovial this evening.
Noodles
14 October, 2009 at 1:38 AM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
LOL I THINK THIS IS SUM COPYPASTA OR A REPOST CUZ I THINK IVE SEEN IT BEFORE LOL WUT
Michael
22 October, 2009 at 8:53 AM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
“half-stupid creationist woo conspiracy theorist minions”? Me thinks your assessment is too kind.
“Half-stupid” would imply “half-smart” and that is obviously not the case. 10% smart maybe. Just enough brain power to repeat “But it’s just a theory”, but not enough to look up what “theory” means when used in a scientific context.
Lizz
24 October, 2009 at 9:32 PM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Stop being lazy and post something, damn it!
This is Not a Test
24 October, 2009 at 11:58 PM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
No, THIS is how you take over the world: http://nerdiphythesoul.com/?p=573
Bill from Dover
25 October, 2009 at 11:11 PM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
*Glenn Beck sure does make a lot of sense.*
Ya had me up to here.
mousomer
7 November, 2009 at 11:14 AM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
You’ve been outed. So outed.
http://qntm.org/?destroy
Taking over the earth is for pussies. We’re out to destroy it.
ALSO, NO TEXT ABOUT TAKING OVER THE WORLD CAN DO WITHOUT EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!
(Soon, my friends, we shall spread our evil all over Transylvania!)
Terrance Fukuroku
15 April, 2010 at 8:13 AM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
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kld
7 July, 2010 at 5:34 PM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
oh my goodness, you ARE an evil genius!
Lars Holdgaard
25 November, 2010 at 7:43 PM (UTC -6) Link to this comment
You have some good points, but I think there’s a quicker way. The process goes like this:
- Earn a shitload of money
- Invest those even more
- Hire a couple of hundreds professional soldiers
- Take over some smaller country, which the western countries doesn’t care about
- Be superior in this country. If you cannot do this, there’s no reason to become world emperor anyway
- Research technology.. Once you solve something like the energy crisis, your country will have endless money