Are you tired of having your husband endlessly hump you in a mechanical, passionless effort to conceive?  Are you sick of having children with all sorts of genetic flaws, like lazy eyes and blonde hair?  Are you sick of the long, arduous process of in vitro fertilization?  Why go through any of this when you can have better results quicker and without the hassle?

Don’t conceive with science—immaculately conceive!

That’s right, immaculate conception is here!  There are no test tubes, no destroyed embryos, and no need for any physical contact with your husband whatsoever—everything a wife could ever want!  The process is quite simple.  All you have to do is send a check or money order for 29.99 to Immaculate Conceptions, Inc., and our crack team of religious mystics will immediately begin beseeching the Lord, on your behalf, for a precious divine son or daughter to immaculately enter your holy womb.  And you need never fear customer dissatisfaction, because our staff will not stop praying, sacrificing goats, speaking in tongues, and all sorts of other crazy shit until your belly has been filled with a divine baby!  We can’t promise that God will bestow upon you this most holy of gifts, but we can promise that we will incessantly pray for an exceedingly unlikely event with unprecedented fervor!

Before you have a baby, though, you must ask yourself some very serious questions.  Am I ready for an immaculate baby?  Can I afford to save up enough to send my immaculate baby to immaculate college?  Am I prepared to satiate the child’s immaculate rooting reflex with my breast?  Contrary to popular belief, raising immaculate babies is no walk in the park, unless it’s one of those parks in a bad neighborhood with a lot of crack deals going down, in which case it is exactly like a walk in the park in almost every detail.  If we’re going to pray an immaculate baby into your belly, you need to be prepared!  This immaculate baby is the most important choice in your life.  But if you’re not ready to buckle down and raise your immaculate children right, then you should have inferior children the old-fashioned way: by getting drunk and passing out at the local hoedown.

Some of the benefits of immaculate conception include the following:

• It’s cleaner!  No bodily fluids are necessary!  Why go through the draining, messy process of sexual intercourse for a baby when you can get the same thing without any fuss?  All you have to do is set it and forget it!  An instant, immaculately conceived baby!
• You’ll be the talk of the town!  Ever notice how pregnant women get all kinds of attention?  People want to touch their bellies, to ask them when the baby is due, and so on.  But imagine how much MORE attention you’ll get when they find out your baby is immaculately conceived!  Women who got pregnant through boring, conventional means will be shamed and embarrassed as the crowded throng of people gathered around them quickly disperses toward you as soon as they see your immaculate pregnancy!  People will never stop touching your belly!  EVER!
• You can drink all the wine you want while pregnant!  Unlike regular babies, immaculately conceived babies are totally immune to alcohol.  In fact, their blood is already wine, anyway.  Bottoms up!  Your alcoholism, far from being a destructive force that ruins your life, is now fuel for your wine-blooded, divine baby!
• Immaculate babies will not resemble your husband, that foul creature riddled with imperfections, in any way, but instead possess all the best qualities of God.  Except for the penis size.  Having an infinitely long penis just isn’t practical on the Earthly plane; or if you’re born a girl.

But don’t take our word for it!  Hear what our customers are saying!

“At first I was skeptical—but nine months after someone had mysteriously broken-in to my house, leaving only a wet turkey baster behind, I suddenly gave birth to a miraculous child!” -Debra

“For the longest time, I thought my womb was barren.  But after desiring to have a child so badly that I was willing to contact the fine folks at Immaculate Conceptions, I quickly found myself pregnant.  Granted, the doctors described it as a ‘hysterical pregnancy’ and insisted there was no child in my womb.  But they just didn’t understand that my child was immaculate, and therefore invisible and god-like.  Soon I gave birth to my immaculate, immaterial child (he no doubt gets the qualities of ineffability and invisibility from his father), and I felt overwhelmed with joy!  Thank you, Immaculate Conceptions!” -Linda

“I originally got married because I wanted to have children, but quickly came to the unfortunate realization that this would mean touching my husband, who is covered in unsightly hair and resembles a creature not unlike an Ewok.  Not wanting to do this, much less produce hairy Ewok offspring, I called Immaculate Conceptions for guidance.  Now I have a wonderful immaculate child!  But strangely even divine children can look like Ewoks.” -Carly

Run, don’t walk, to your nearest grocer for your bottle of Immaculate Conceptions!  (The bottle contains our phone number, so just call us when you get it and then we’ll pray for you and such.  We have to do it this way because our number is unlisted; this guy kept calling and breathing heavily into the phone.  Bastard.)

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 AM and is filed under Blog, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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