First of all, you’ve probably noticed there are new blog entries. This means that, yes, I will be blogging again.

But what about the podcast? Well, there will also be a podcast! The podcast will essentially be an extended version of my blog posts for that week, with slight improvisations and additional content/musings from yours truly. So the podcast will be just a slightly extended version of the blog posts, with additional crap coming out of my mouth as filler! Yum! Crap filler is my favorite!

What this means is that you can choose to either READ the content or LISTEN to the content. Everyone wins! Except people who are blind and deaf. Then…well, that just sucks. I’ll try to work on creating a tactile version of the podcast for you blind/deaf folk, but that could prove uncomfortable for both of us.

TL;DR: Now you don’t have to hear my voice if you hate my voice, and you don’t have to read this font if you hate this font! Right on!

Before these events unfolded, Komen was perhaps best known for its sponsorship of strange, sadomasochistic events called “Race for the Cure” in which apparent masochists endured grueling foot races that could make even a breast cancer patient wince and be glad the chemo prevents her from engaging in such self-destructive, painful, and irrational behavior. Komen was also known for plastering pink ribbons everywhere, and some have argued that Komen is less a breast cancer charity than a factory for ribbons. They’ve put their little ribbons on cereal boxes, football jerseys, car bumpers, cans of soup, soup itself, dog houses, dogs, wild animals, domesticated animals, mules, etc. In their efforts to raise awareness of breast cancer, they have drowned our country in breast cancer awareness. Whether you’re eating a bowl of soup, visiting a petting zoo, knitting, or participating in a healthy game of shuffleboard, you cannot avoid being reminded of breast cancer. Even if you’d rather not think about breast cancer for one second, there is no avoiding these dreaded pink ribbons, which lurk around every corner on every object to constantly remind you that terrible things, like cancer, happen in this godless, empty universe that is devoid of purpose or meaning and that ultimately death awaits us all. And sometimes you’d rather not have these thoughts while petting a goat at the petting zoo. But Komen, with its surplus of pink ribbons, does not care if your child is crying and terrified of getting breast cancer in an uncaring universe because it was reminded of death by seeing a pink ribbon pinned through a goat’s skin. All they care about is that their organization is known, that it gets donations, and that people for some reason think that cancer can be cured by running marathons. However, owing to Komen’s disastrous decision to defund Planned Parenthood, Komen is now best known for taking away healthcare services from the underserved and needy—the women who rely most on Planned Parenthood—rather than for being a ribbon factory that sponsors charity runs. Now the only race Komen will be sponsoring is the Komen Race Away from This Organization for the Cure half marathon, a race for which record speeds are expected.

When the news first broke, Komen insisted that the decision was not politically motivated. “We decided to defund these baby-murder factories that train women to become slutty whores for totally apolitical reasons,” said a Komen spokesperson. “Our organization had recently instituted new rules for funding eligibility, which were: 1) The organization could not be under congressional investigation, 2) the organization could not have murdered countless babies in a holocaust of the unborn, and 3) the organization could not pass go and could therefore not collect $200.” However, the reason given for defunding Planned Parenthood, that the organization was under congressional investigation, was quickly challenged by everyone online who happened to run a blog or a podcast, which was ostensibly everyone. It was noted, for example, that Komen gave money to Penn State, which is also under investigation as a result of the infamous Paterno/Sandusky debacle in which it was revealed that Penn State secretly offered coaches a Minor in minors. It was also revealed that the current vice president of Komen, Karen Handel, is a failed politician with a known pro-life stance and grudge against Planned Parenthood, preferring parenthood to be completely unplanned because after all, it’s not as if something as important as bringing a new life into the world is a decision that should be made with lots of planning, and is instead a decision best made while drunk and lustily throwing yourself at a guy you just met in the parking lot of the bowling alley.

As these facts emerged, Komen was roundly and swiftly criticized all over the Internet. Even worse, after suffering a terrible blow to its image among pro-choice advocates, Komen then reversed its decision and decided to restore funding to Planned Parenthood, thereby pissing off the pro-life contingent that had been their only remaining supporters.

For now, Planned Parenthood will receive the funding from Komen, but it isn’t clear that this will continue in the future, owing to the fact that Komen is run by pro-life fucktards who may pull the funding at any time for silly politicized reasons that ultimately harm women’s health. Komen’s funding of Planned Parenthood could also be jeopardized by the fact that in another six months Komen will probably have no money left to give out as funds, and will instead be out on the street pandhandling, assuring passersby that they just need some spare change, even pennies will do, so they can catch a bus and visit their five very ill children and in no way will this money be spent on liquor or their terrible addiction to ribbons.

As it turns out, NBC declined to air the latest episode of Fear Factor because contestants were made to do something so horribly disgusting that executives weren’t sure the episode wouldn’t cause New York to be swept out to sea in a stream of mass projectile vomit. In the unaired Fear Factor episode, contestants were made to do something far worse than eat worms dipped into vats of shit; they were made to sit through an entire episode of Fear Factor.

At first, the contestants hesitated. One contestant’s finger hovered over and tentatively pressed the “play” button, but as soon as the first chords of the Fear Factor theme song were sounded, the contestant quickly retched, vomiting up the various insects and genitalia he had devoured in previous rounds, and refused to continue.

“You can make me eat worms. And you can make me get into a vat full of cockroaches. And you can even connect a tube from my mouth to my ass so that I shit into my mouth and then eat my shit and poop out my shit in a never-ending cycle of rebirth. But this is too far,” said one of the contestants after host Joe Rogan told (or rather yelled, owing to a genetic disorder in which he’s unable to control the volume of his voice) the contestant he’d have to watch an entire episode of Fear Factor in order to win. “You have to understand, Joe,” continued the contestant, tears streaming down his face in sadness or perhaps as a result of the few seconds of Fear Factor he had watched, “I wouldn’t be able to look my children in the face if I went through with this. I would lose my dignity if I did this.” He wiped some stray giant Amazonian cockroach testicle pieces from the corner of his mouth. “And if there’s one thing I can’t give up, it’s my dignity.” He then bowed his head and walked off stage, carefully stepping around the buckets full of rotten fish heads as he did so.

As is customary, Rogan then offered the remaining contestants vast sums of unattainable wealth if they would only defile themselves in an unimaginable way. But still, none would agree to lower themselves to such a degree that they’d watch an entire episode of Fear Factor. Joe Rogan himself, who suffers from a genetic disorder making him unable to feel pain or emotion, even began to retch as he exhorted the contestants in an increasingly wavering voice to please watch the episode of Fear Factor. It is rumored that Rogan is the only person capable of hosting the full duration of the show because of his excessive cannabis use that deadens his senses and his daily forays into a sensory deprivation tank wherein he curls up into a fetal position for hours and tries his best to burn away the memories of his hosting duties.

In general, Fear Factor justifies its extreme and disgusting practices by citing obscure cultures in which these activities are normalized. If the task is to eat frog ovaries, producers will point out that the ancient Mayans frequently dined upon frog ovaries as a precious delicacy when they weren’t cutting out each other’s hearts. If the task is to drink fermented yak piss, the producers will point to the nearly vanished tribe of Yitsuishi now living in a small region in Brazil and suffering from bacterial infections and near-extinction no doubt caused by their tradition of drinking fermented yak piss. However, the producers could find no cultures that would watch an entire episode of Fear Factor. Even the brave Yitsuishi, induced into a feverish, infection-induced trance of religious fervor from consumption of yak urine, could not be coerced into watching an episode, choosing instead to flay themselves with whips and castrate themselves with primitive instruments of flint. And in American culture, Fear Factor is never watched all the way through. It survives only in short clips on Youtube, as even strong-willed Americans desensitized to reality television schlock can only handle this type of thing in small bits and pieces.

Naturally, this is not the first time Fear Factor has courted controversy. The last time, it was in the news because NBC refused to air an episode in which a contestant drank donkey semen. Prior to that, there was a bit of a dust-up over an episode in which white supremacists were made to touch the soft, ebony skin of a real-life black person. And before that there were the episodes in which contestants were forced to read War and Peace rendered entirely in Comic Sans and Papyrus fonts, to eat food from Hooters without the pleasant and palate-distracting presence of large orbs of female secondary sexual characteristics, and to spend over 16 minutes in the presence of Newt Gingrich.

Aside from the controversies generated by individual episodes, Fear Factor itself, as a show, has also been heralded as one of (possibly two of) the signs of the Apocalypse and as the progenitor of today’s ubiquitous and much-maligned “reality television.” Prior to Fear Factor’s emergence, television rarely featured the consumption of any genitals at all, and people making out with large, rainforest-dwelling insects was something you could find only on pay-per-view or in David Lynch films, if at all. Now, of course, that TV executives have realized the relative inexpensiveness of producing a show in which people are made to eat dicks, such sights are common fare on primetime TV. A typical evening on NBC could now easily be mistaken for a poorly designed community college course in animal husbandry, Sex Ed., and the history of the city of Hiroshima from 1945-1949 somehow all intertwined into a mass of unintelligible schlock, with Joe Rogan (a man with a rare genetic disorder that causes him to host Fear Factor) as the extremely loud professor.

When questioned by reporters, an NBC executive reportedly said, “At the present moment we have no plans to air the episode of Fear Factor in which contestants watched Fear Factor, on our lawyers’ advice.” He paused. “The episode with the donkey semen, however, is still a possibility, pending the results of the paternity test.”

I won.

This Halloween, the trick-or-treaters won’t be knocking on my door—because I’M THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!

If you can’t tell who I am dressed as, then clearly you do not watch Breaking Bad, and clearly you have not been exposed to the best character ever invented: Walter White (aka Heisenberg). Any kids who can guess my costume will get some cherished blue rock candy along with their Snickers bars.

In this episode, Dustin discusses his obsession with the new video game Deus Ex: Human Revolution, a stealth shooter that involves sneaking up to and killing stupid people and then shuffling through people’s desk drawers to steal their granola bars. In political news, Dustin discusses the latest GOP Tea Party debate, from the HPV vaccine debacle to the infamous “Let him die” remark from the crowd during the debate. Dustin also remembers 9/11 by panning the media coverage, which is tantamount to repeatedly reminding a traumatized rape victim of that time she was raped, and oh, by the way, here are some pictures and video of the time it happened. Finally, Dustin gives a brief overview of cosmology and science based on the latest news that the LHC has shown that certain versions of string theory and super symmetry are probably no longer tenable. (Physics friends, I know this is mostly bullshit and I have the physics understanding of a clown who has clearly never studied physics in clown college. Apologies in advance.)

As always, if you like the podcast, add me on Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, Friendster, etc. Go to the top of your roof and shout about it a little, too. Maybe tell your friends and uncles and such. Thanks, and good night!

In this episode of the Saint Gasoline Podcast, Dustin discusses a bunch of random shit that he didn’t get to cover in his two-week absence. On the bright side, though, his absence was the result of a vacation in New York, where he got to experience an earthquake AND a hurricane, as well as what it is like to live in a city that people actually care about and pay attention to. Here are the topics covered:

Steve Jobs steps down as CEO of Apple.

The Gold bubble is bursting! Sell your gold now! Don’t listen to Glenn Beck!

“Friending” is made illegal in Missouri.

A highway in Nashville is shut down due to a bull semen spill.

The stock markets are like a rollercoaster! Up and down and supported by rotting wooden beams and operated by idiots who don’t understand how it all works.

A Russian space shuttle crashes. And this is who the United States has to rely on to get into space now…

The UK protestors actually managed to create more jobs: prison guard jobs!

Bachmann wins a straw poll, some guy whose name I forgot dropped out of the race, Romney says corporations and Soylent Green are people, and various other political nonsense!

TOP STORY: Colonel Gaddafi has finally been ousted from power! Now the Libyan rebels will finally get to elect their own dictator! Also, I rant about why voting is bullshit.

SECOND TOP STORY: Natural disasters rock the east coast! And by “rock” I mean “mildly disturb.”

As always, add me on Facebook and Twitter if you’d like to help support the podcast, and also tell everyone you know and threaten to stab them if they don’t listen to me. No, seriously.

In this episode, Dustin tries to talk about Final Destination 5 but ends up on a tangent somehow involving President Obama asking to be raped by Republicans. A man from Sweden attempts to split atoms in his kitchen, whereas I can barely split bananas. And 30 Americans die in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan…and they happen to be from the same team that killed Osama Bin Laden. For the main stories, Dustin talks about the following issues:

Democrats win only 2 of 6 recall elections in Wisconsin, proving to Republicans that they can get away with anything. However, the rioters in Britain still know how to protest better.

S&P downgrades America’s bond rating from AAA to AA+, but this doesn’t affect US bonds. In response, America downgrades S&P from “idiots who were wrong about the financial instruments that caused the 2008 financial crisis” to “dead to me.”

Michele Bachmann looks crazy on the cover of Newsweek! Hey, it could be worse. When I was on the cover of Time, I wasn’t wearing any pants.

In the conclusion, Dustin thanks Erica, a loyal listener, for her generous donation. He also thanks the StacheCast once again for reading his perverted emails on their podcast about his unrequited robot love.

Welcome to Episode 7! Apologies for getting this episode out so late. I was taking a moment of podcast silence for Norway. Either that or I was just lazy and too busy. Whatever you’d like to believe, really. Anyway, in today’s episode I discuss the following topics:

-Dustin rails against the state of the movie industry, which propels classics such as Smurfs and Cowboys & Aliens to the top of the box office for no apparent reason.
-Dustin reveals his hidden love for squeezable foodstuffs, and proves that Facebook pages exist for every product, including those as obscure (and delicious) as Pizza Squeeze.
-With Rupert Murdoch being pied in the face in the wake of the massive phone hacking scandal, I come to the realization that more pies are needed in today’s media, and that a good pie to the face is perhaps the best way to revitalize media interest in any topic.

Michele Bachmann gets migraines! Does this disqualify her from being President? Or is this the best thing we could hope for?

A terrorist attack rocks Norway, and the media immediately assumes the attack was perpetrated by Muslim extremists until they learn that it was carried out by the exact opposite of a Muslim extremist: a white Christian dude who hated Muslims. Way to report, media!

Also, be sure to check out all the great podcasts I recommended. The Bugle, Ardent Atheist, Citizen Radio, and The StacheCast are among the best.

Welcome to Episode 6 of the Saint Gasoline Podcast, your source for breaking news, because I take the news and break it by marring it with my terrible attempts at humor and profundity.

In this episode, I am in a car crash! I lived, though, which is obvious. Because I’m writing this. Although I suppose I could have been ghost-writing this. But I assure you that I am not a ghost. I am still flesh and blood. But aside from that, here are some of the important things I talked about:

Netflix is raising their prices! Finally, rich people have something to complain about that will overshadow all those starving children in Africa!

A TSA employee gets a taste of her own medicine. And by “medicine” I mean “an unwanted search of her person.” And by “unwanted search of her person” I mean some crazy bitch grabbed her tit.

The United States used a fake vaccination program in Pakistan to help hunt down Osama Bin Laden. Seriously? You couldn’t have used a medical modality that isn’t embroiled in a fake autism controversy? Like testing for Chlamydia? Thanks a lot for fucking over the reputation of a valuable medical procedure, douches.

“Generic Republican” leads Obama in the polls. However, “Actual Republican” is still faring quite badly. And word on the street is that “Generic Republican” has been sending people pictures of his genericism on Twitter, anyway.

Remember Captain Planet? Well I have an idea to use cartoons that appeal to Tea Party conservatives: Captain Oil Spill!

Locusts swarm in patterns resembling the patterns found in social networking. No wonder “locusts” is always the trending topic on Twitter!

What’s new in Egypt? Oh, nothing much. Just forming some political parties and maybe a little death to America.

The United States decides to officially recognize the Libyan rebels as the legitimate government in Libya. The one guy who makes up the current Libyan government feels flattered.

The U.S. military’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy is reinstated by a court decision. In unrelated news, the sale of pink army shorts plummets.

In sports, there was apparently a women’s World Cup, and Japan won, even in spite of racist Americans on Twitter.

Is Dan Savage a hypocrite for mocking Marcus Bachmann’s lisp? And is Marcus Bachmann a homosexual for having a lisp? And fuck Marcus Bachmann because he’s a bigoted douchenozzle? That last one wasn’t supposed to be a question.

Murdoch apologizes for hacking into all those phones, and you’ll forgive him if you know what’s good for you. Because he knows what you did last summer!

Today’s show is all about endings. But with endings, there are also new beginnings. Like the beginning of this new podcast about endings, for instance. Or the beginning of the end. Or whatever. Let’s just end this.

Here are some of the stories I cover in this episode:

1. Introduction

Saudi women protest the ban of female drivers.

Did you hear about this Casey Anthony thing?!

2. The United States launches its last rocket into space.

3. Dustin rants about progressives and discovers that the only way to truly achieve the goals of liberalism is to elect really terrible Republicans to office.

4. Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World shuts down amidst controversy over hacked phone data.

5. Conclusion

Dustin concludes the show by begging for iTunes ratings and grovelling for more listeners.