The Church of Evolution

Creationists often contend that evolution is a religion. Such claims are usually met with scorn and derision, but these reactions are the result of a desperate attempt to cover up the truth. After all, those who are guilty of an accusation will always protest. Innocent people, on the other hand, readily admit to the accusation and proceed to throw themselves directly into jail, maintaining that a trial is not necessary. (Witches are similar, in that nonwitches drown and real witches float.) But of all the silly things creationists say, they have inadvertently stumbled upon a hidden, secret truth about evolution when they assert that it is a religion. What follows will surely result in my excommunication from the church, but I feel as if I must play the role of Martin Luther, figuratively nailing my criticisms and revelations concerning evolution to the door of the Church of Evolution.

Darwin, as we all know, famously recanted evolution on his deathbed. To which Herbert Spencer famously replied, “Nonsense, poopeypants!” And then a nearby unicorn zoomed by, shouting “Whoooooo!” while riding a flying pig. What isn’t reported, of course, is that after denying evolution, Darwin went on a long, rambling tirade and established the Church of Evolution. What Darwin denied was the scientific theory of evolution, and he replaced it with the religion of evolution. All of the evidence for evolution didn’t matter, for Darwin realized on his deathbed that people aren’t swayed by evidence. They are swayed by emotion, by religious fervor, by sexual favors, and by blatant lies about people’s deathbed conversions (of which Darwin’s conversion is a notable exception to this rule—seriously). Thus, Darwin repudiated the theory of evolution and constructed an elaborate, evolution-based religion, complete with rituals, priests, and even funny little hats that believers could wear, as Darwin was certainly not going to let his religion be outcompeted in the funny hat department by the likes of Sikh turbans, Jewish yarmulkes, and the lavish Pope hat.

The essential tenet of evolutionary religion is procreation. Like Christians, evolutionists are instructed to be fruitful and multiply, with the only difference being that evolutionists are allowed to actually enjoy the act and need not commit to it in pious silence and indifference. One would think, naturally, that condoms and other contraceptives would be opposed by evolutionists because of this tenet, which flies in the face of the empirical fact that evolutionists tend to wrap their weiners in all sorts of things that prevent insemination. However, weiner wrapping is often essential for future procreation. For instance, STDs are a raging problem for our species, and hence it can preserve future reproductive success to ensure that one’s junk is not covered in blisters, sores, warts, and pus-filled abscesses. Sexual partners are generally averse to infectious, disease ridden genitalia, and thus evolutionists will cover their nether regions when engaging in sexual acts with partners who have inadequate genes and who would therefore produce inadequate offspring, perhaps even producing offspring so inadequate that they become creationists or mimes or, worst of all, creationist mimes.

As can be seen, evolutionists are quite nuanced in their religious views. Whereas religious people abstain from all promiscuity and then randomly choose one person with whom to perpetually mate, inevitably producing fifteen billion children, evolutionists donate to sperm banks, have sex with many, but ultimately choose only a few select individuals with the best genetic fitness to combine genes with. Being more gene-saavy, evolutionists know better than to mate with vapid idiots who think having fifteen children is a good idea. Thus, evolutionists can engage in nonprocreative sex and even bang each other in the butt, so long as they take care to prevent STDs, as every act need not be devoted solely to producing children. Darwin was a smart man; he knew a religion that offered butt sex couldn’t be toppled by something as impotent as Catholicism.

Of course, the ultimate selling point of the Church of Evolution is the pure hedonism and moral debauchery it instills. As we all know, Darwin was not much of a party animal, unless you can consider a barnacle a party animal, as Darwin friggin’ loved barnacles. Regardless, he lived a timid life, studying barnacles and beaks and only getting crunk once in a blue moon. This is why, on his death bed, he decided to turn evolution into a religion. He shot up in bed, eyes wide, and gurgled, “PAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRTAAAAAYYYYYY!”, and it turned out his intuitions were correct, for immediately after doing this the priest attempting to read him his last rites ripped off his shirt, broke through a brick wall while saying “Oh yeah!”, and proceeded to denounce Catholicism in favor of partying hard with Darwin and his barnacles.

Most scientists like to roll their eyes when creationists argue that evolutionists only reject Genesis so they can be immoral, licentious lechers. But the truth is, this is one of the main tenets of the Church of Evolution. We believe in evolution, not because of the abundant evidence (though it’s there), but because we want to be able to eat at Red Lobster, and wear clothes of mixed fabric, and be able to touch menstruating women (one of our fondest hobbies). Only by accepting evolution can we deny these Christian dogmas found in the Bible. Otherwise, we are almost compelled to obey these deep, absolute moral truths that transcend time and space. How, after all, is one supposed to be moral without God? How else would one know that eating at Red Lobster is a sin, or that we should be compelled to ostracize nonreligious family members, or that we should stone to death those who gather sticks on a particular day of the week (either Sunday or Saturday, it’s hard to decide)? But with the Church of Evolution, these deep, ethical intuitions that universally pervade human consciousness can be denied with rationalizations about genetic fitness, bottleneck effects, and allopatric speciatiation. We know in our hearts that we should be out stoning people, but evolution allows us to deny these moral urges in favor of having lots and lots of butt sex, preferably while wearing our Church of Evolution hats, which have even more fabric than a turban and are taller than a Pope hat and even come encrusted with rhinestones. Top that, other religious hats!

Our churches and communities are the best part of the Church of Evolution, though. When we go to worship, we don’t pray. We prey. On the weak. And the elderly. And then we eat them. We’ve decided that it’s not good enough to simply know how life emerged and evolved. We’ve decided to turn evolution into a perverse ethical theory wherein eating weaker people is acceptable. (We also eat scones; delicious, weak scones, like tiny bread-like babies.) At our Bingos, there is no free space. If you want that space, you have to goddamn take it by force. And as for our charities, well, let’s just say we don’t have those, unless punching homeless people in the face is a charity.

Of course, as I close this expose, I can’t help feeling a bit sad. I will surely be excommunicated by Richard Dawkins, the current pope of the Church of Evolution. Inevitably, I will have to go into hiding so that I may avoid being naturally selected by them, and elminated from the gene pool. But though they are merciless and exacting, Darwinists are also amazingly fun and throw great parties. Just don’t believe them when they say that evolution isn’t a religion. It is, in fact, the grandest, most amazing religion known to man. But you can only join if you’ve previously eaten at least one of every existing species. A steep requirement, to be sure, but well worth it.