In what looks to be an attempt to justify tax-exempt status for churches, Christianity Today has released a charming infographic detailing the economic value a church provides to its surrounding community. The information is based on a study by Ram Cnaan that purports to show that 12 historic churches in Philadelphia add an estimated $6 million in annual economic benefits to the community. Some of the economic benefits considered are divorces prevented, drug addicts helped, trees, school services, and so on.
However, I took a look at some of the data, and I’ve come to completely opposite conclusions. These churches, far from helping their surrounding communities, are an economic blight. Here are the results of the original study, together with my commentary demonstrating that these figures actually show economic detriments:
- Out of town members who attend church spend about $15 in town (probably buying something stupid like bumper stickers about how Jesus is a copilot). However, if they weren’t in church, they probably would have went to a football game and spent over $50 on overpriced beer. Net loss of approximately $100.
- In a related issue, churches save about $78,750 ($15,750 per person helped) by getting people off drugs. However, this translates to less money spent on beer, cigarettes, and meth. People who aren’t drunk or high also inconveniently do silly things like save their money, rather than blowing it all at the racetrack or buying hookers. The economic detriments to beer companies, drug dealers, hookers, racetracks, and janitors who mop up vomit more than offset the money saved here. Plus, seriously, the churches only help five people per year get off drugs? Must be all that Jesus-blood drinking that makes it so difficult.
- Churches save $22,500 by preventing divorces. That is, each couple saves $900, a sum of money that is probably promptly spent on vibrators and pornography for the people trapped in such love-less marriages. However, this does not factor in the money lost by preventing divorces. By keeping unhappy people together, divorce attorneys lose about $22,500 in legal fees. By preventing the married couple from breaking up and dating again, churches prevent an estimated $10,000 from being spent on dinners and movies, ice skating, putt-putt courses, and so on—activities that married couples never engage in because they are too busy unconsciously counting each other’s flaws.
- School services save about $3,489,926. Of course, these religious schools offset these costs by teaching their students to believe that Jesus rode dinosaurs and that evolution is a lie. The cost of re-educating these poor, deluded saps in college, and in correcting their lower scores in science achievement tests, is incalculable. But it’s probably a gazillion dollars or thereabouts.
- Volunteer hours worked saves about $94,770 (average weekly hours × 52 weeks × $20.25). But these volunteers are just teaching people to be lazy. All those homeless people come in expecting their free soup, and then they think, “I never have to work again! After all, soup is all I need to survive, and it’s free!” Plus, these people are volunteering to perform a service that gives away costly soup for free, when they could be out shopping at malls or buying beer. And seriously, they estimate the wage for volunteer work (which is typically low-wage, menial labor) as $20.25 per hour? HAHAHAahahahaha ha…ha…ha…heh. That’s the sound of millions of people in the food service industry laughing their asses off right now. And then crying. And then shooting themselves in the face because that’s the amount of money they should be getting if we lived in a just society. What kind of “volunteer” work are these people doing that is worth $20.25 per hour? Are these volunteer investment bankers giving out investing strategies to the homeless?
- Suicide prevention saves $58,800. Of course, this figure does not factor in all the people the church causes to commit suicide, like molested altar boys, stigmatized gays, or people who were just bored during service and thought suicide sounded like a better option. Let’s just call this one a draw.
As you can see, many of these supposed economic benefits are questionable, especially when one ignores reality and makes up figures for opposing costs and detriments, as I have rigorously done (rigorous make-believe is very tiresome). Aside from these criticisms, though, a lot of the original data just seem to be grasping at straws. They include the economic benefits of the church’s lawn (based on water retained) and trees. Bitch, I have a lawn and fucking trees, too, but you don’t see me getting a goddamn tax exemption. I wonder why they didn’t include economic analyses of the pews (free seats, saves $25), the bell towers (free alarm clock, saves $12), and the cobwebs in the attic (decreased fly and mosquito presence, saves $3). Did they include the economic benefits of child molestation, which provides a future boon to therapists and prison guards, or the benefits of turning a nutrient-poor cracker into a protein-rich meat of Christ?
In the end, further study is needed to truly determine the economic worth of churches. And maybe one day, after all sides of the issue have been considered, and every tree, lawn, and leaf are examined for their economic consequences, we’ll finally have an answer.
(Via The Friendly Atheist)
