Episode 6: Marcus Bachmann, Soccer, Phone Hacking, Horny Cicadas, and Other News!
Tuesday, July 19th, 2011
Welcome to Episode 6 of the Saint Gasoline Podcast, your source for breaking news, because I take the news and break it by marring it with my terrible attempts at humor and profundity.
In this episode, I am in a car crash! I lived, though, which is obvious. Because I’m writing this. Although I suppose I could have been ghost-writing this. But I assure you that I am not a ghost. I am still flesh and blood. But aside from that, here are some of the important things I talked about:
Netflix is raising their prices! Finally, rich people have something to complain about that will overshadow all those starving children in Africa!
A TSA employee gets a taste of her own medicine. And by “medicine” I mean “an unwanted search of her person.” And by “unwanted search of her person” I mean some crazy bitch grabbed her tit.
The United States used a fake vaccination program in Pakistan to help hunt down Osama Bin Laden. Seriously? You couldn’t have used a medical modality that isn’t embroiled in a fake autism controversy? Like testing for Chlamydia? Thanks a lot for fucking over the reputation of a valuable medical procedure, douches.
“Generic Republican” leads Obama in the polls. However, “Actual Republican” is still faring quite badly. And word on the street is that “Generic Republican” has been sending people pictures of his genericism on Twitter, anyway.
Remember Captain Planet? Well I have an idea to use cartoons that appeal to Tea Party conservatives: Captain Oil Spill!
Locusts swarm in patterns resembling the patterns found in social networking. No wonder “locusts” is always the trending topic on Twitter!
What’s new in Egypt? Oh, nothing much. Just forming some political parties and maybe a little death to America.
The United States decides to officially recognize the Libyan rebels as the legitimate government in Libya. The one guy who makes up the current Libyan government feels flattered.
The U.S. military’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy is reinstated by a court decision. In unrelated news, the sale of pink army shorts plummets.
In sports, there was apparently a women’s World Cup, and Japan won, even in spite of racist Americans on Twitter.
Is Dan Savage a hypocrite for mocking Marcus Bachmann’s lisp? And is Marcus Bachmann a homosexual for having a lisp? And fuck Marcus Bachmann because he’s a bigoted douchenozzle? That last one wasn’t supposed to be a question.
Murdoch apologizes for hacking into all those phones, and you’ll forgive him if you know what’s good for you. Because he knows what you did last summer!
