Geraldo, the man best known for mustache, ‘stache, moustache, and the hair on his upper lip, has been in the news lately for his suggestion that Trayvon Martin’s tragic death is largely the fault of his hooded outerwear. The comment was briskly torn apart by several rabid wolverwines, followed by 90% of Twitter, everyone who posted that Kony video on Facebook, and that one guy who still uses LinkedIn for some reason. In response, Geraldo’s own son told him that he was ashamed of him (presumably because of his hoodie comment, although I suspect the mustache also slightly adds to the sense of shame), and thousands have worn hoodies in protest of the remarks, causing a 10% rise in hoodie stock prices and a massive 67% decrease in the sales of those large novelty mustaches they sell in places like Spencer’s Gifts or abandoned alleyways behind Geraldo’s summer home where drifters collect his hair clippings.

What everyone is ignoring, of course, is the element of truth in Geraldo’s words, seeing as how this truth has been distorted by the mainstream media and Geraldo’s own long, flowing mustache hairs. According to polls of increasingly frightened white folk, black men in hoodies are over 34% scarier than black men in Christmas sweaters, meaning that white people’s fear of black men increases from 100% to 134% when a hoodie is introduced, which is especially compelling because this is mathematically impossible – but math has never stopped the irrational fears of white people before.

The problem with Geraldo’s statements isn’t that he went too far in attributing problems best explained by systemic racism to outerwear that is worn by virtually everyone, from teenage girls to 40-year-old men in mustaches who pretend to be journalists, without any resulting gunshot wounds. No, the problem is that he didn’t go far enough.

Hoodies are frightening, to be sure, but what about all the other things that are threatening when black people wear them? What about tanktops, sneakers, baggy jeans, clothes worn completely backwards, FUBU, those puffy winter coats, those skull caps that Common wears all the time, white tuxedos, sideways hats, backwards hats, slightly off-center hats, a hat facing any direction if it has an NBA logo on it, large chains with a mohawk and beard, etc? These articles of clothing, like hoodies, also frighten innocent white people and cause their trigger fingers to twitch as their lives flash before their eyes.

What Geraldo should have done is advised black people to stop wearing any sort of clothing that is, or ever was, associated with African American culture. Not only should black youth dispose of their hoodies—they should dispose of all their normal clothing and stock up on sweater vests, tight-fitting khaki pants, flannel, sweaters featuring prominent images of chihuahuas or dalmatians, short-shorts, mom jeans, tye-dye, black hipster glasses, crocs, those weird fucking shoes that have toes and make you look like some sort of crazy person, suspenders, and ties and/or bow ties. They’d also have to do a sort of crop-rotation of fashion every few years, because once white people begin to associate sweater vests and suspenders with black people and hence with crime, black people would be forced to adopt again whatever it is in this counterfactual future white people are currently wearing (for example, hypothetically, leisure suits and Snuggies).

And that’s only the fashion. In order to truly achieve the non-threatening, white-friendly appearance of someone like Urkel, other visual cues must also be accounted for, including behavioral cues. Do not limp, swagger, strut; instead, pretend you have been pulled over by a cop for no reason and are being forced to say your ABCs backward while being made to walk a straight line and touching your finger to your nose. This reassures white people not only that you are straight-laced, but also that you are not drunk given your ability to say your ABCs and touch your nose. Instead of listening to rap music, listen to Justin Bieber (or, if you miss all the misogyny, opt for country music). Black youth should also avoid using slang. Don’t even use slang that is common among white teenagers, because the old white people with guns don’t know the difference. When dancing, do something resembling the Carlton dance, or if that fails, country line dancing. When in public, pre-emptively put your arms behind your head and shout out “I’m unarmed!” every five seconds or so, to put any white people at ease and also to make it easier for when the police inevitably try to arrest you for no apparent reason.

Most importantly, though: stay out of the sun and constantly cover yourself in flour, the whiter the better.

Geraldo was on the right track, but he clearly didn’t go far enough. Requiring a 48-hour waiting period and a transvaginal ultrasound before the purchase of a hoodie is a good idea, but hoodies are only part of the problem. By doing all the other things mentioned above, black people, you will probably never be shot again. Racism will cease to exist if you’d just use your common sense and get totally subsumed by white-person culture and rid yourselves of silly things like tradition, ethnic identity, and your natural skin color (go on, pull your skin off completely if you have to). Because, as we all know, the real problem in this country isn’t that privileged white people are shooting black people after racially profiling them and stalking them while stroking their guns so as to make the black people incredibly afraid and uncomfortable. No, the real problem is that black people look scary!

Next week, I’ll address how Geraldo’s brilliant insights apply to women, and why wearing a sexy, revealing dress, or easy-to-remove sweatpants, or threateningly sexy hoodies are various ways women “ask” to be raped, and how the only way to avoid asking for a man’s penis inside of your hoo-ha is to wear a full suit of armor at all times (but not a SEXY suit of armor) and/or grow a penis.